giant love

 

toxic chocolate

you tossed out your red flags ~

i caught them, like the expert i am

wove them into a nice warm blanket

i could wrap around myself

. . . & loved you.

it didn't matter

you were lying;

i'd been lied to before

but your lies were sweet

like candy

or even better ~ 

like chocolate.

they melted into me

left me craving for more

& you obliged me

cos that's the kind of man you are.

i don't regret a thing

except that now

dammit, 

i miss you ~

even men who really loved me

never had your impact

on my heart.

Mela

2020

enough

been working on trying not to
worry so much.
it's a tough choice
since i was raised on that shit,
but i'm tired of living that way.
so when my head says 'no',
i say 'yes' ~
even if i have to repeat myself
2 or 3 times.
i'm 63 now muthafucka;
enough is enough.

Mela

2020

Snowflake

Love.

 

cbt

i wanna love like i've never been hurt

but the fact is

i'm too sensitive for that.

raw with emotion

which springs to the surface

when i least want

or expect it.

i'm not a baby anymore

but sometimes i feel i act like one

never having learned the proper way to defend myself

when feeling under attack.

i've spent whole days hurting

which had nothing to do with love.

a discrepancy in the brain

a malfunction, creating negativity

which could often go on for days

or maybe even 

weeks.

i'm a whole lot better now

after trials of medications

& a good deal of

cognitive behavioural therapy.

but that doesn't mean

i don't remember.

triggering still happens,

& that frightened child

angry teenager

or ill-prepared adult

rises up

in an effort to defend herself.

loving like i've never been hurt?

wow.

wouldn't that be a dream come true . . . 

so much 

easier for you

to stay in love with me ~

& so much happier for me

to stay in love with you. 

pegw.

2020

NO

lately, it feels like
you're circling your prey
(me)
waiting for results of my covid test
so you can begin to plead
again
to be rescued.

i've already told you
No.

but i also know
i've taught you my 'No' can mean 'Yes'
when pressured
cajoled
or pestered enough.

My Bad.
i have a weakness you've learned
to capitalize on.
well,
shame on You then
mr. buzzard ~
waiting in the wings
for your next available chance
to pounce.

from this point on,
the answer will still
ALWAYS 

& FOREVER
be
NO.

pegw.

2020

good like this

& . . . 

i don't want him anymore.

for months

he was all i could think about ~

we 'fell in love'

over the internet

pictures were sent

sexting was tried

& now

my memory is reminding me

of the flags i chose

to overlook.

'do you want to give me your phone #?'

(days 1 & 2)

'nah, i'm good like this'

 . . . but of course

eventually,

i gave in.

about the same

with agreeing to meet;

(but thankfully,

we never have.)

in less than 4 1/2 months

he managed to wheedle me out of $4,000. ~

but i take full responsibility for that.

i knew by then he was playing me,

yet i continued to stay in the game.

that's MY fault.

MY bad.

MY illness

at work in me.

& now,

he's still trying

to get even MORE money 

to help bring him HERE

to stay

WITH ME . . .

anticipating, i'm sure

i'll give in like before.

but y'know what?

'nah - i'm good like this.'

once you open up your home

you can never get them gone

& you might even

mistakenly

MARRY ONE.

pegw.

2020

self-war

 

respect

sometimes i have to write things

just to sort them out in my head.

make me stronger.

more firm in my resolve.

so;

as we come to the end of this chapter,

i ask that you step up your respect.

view my needs as being important as your own ~

or, as love sometimes does,

even more so.

i'm not asking for much

compared to what i give,

but lately i've been giving too damn much

while past experience has made it evident

that kind of behaviour will destroy me.

i'm already beginning

to feel the effects,

& i'm just not willing

to go back again.

truly,

i have no support system.

last time,

the MH program fucked me up even worse;

now family has told me

it's best i talk to someone else.

that hurt ~

but upon reflection i realized

they're actually right.

if i value & respect them,

unless it's an unexpected crisis

THAT I DID NOT CREATE

i need to enjoy their love & companionship 

& keep this other shit

to myself.

thank God & medication

i'm stronger than i used to be.

i just might be able to pull this off

if i stick to my guns

plant my feet squarely on the ground

& not forget

to respect

ME.

 

pegw.

2020

fertilizer

& if he's lying?

i've decided i don't care enough

to try & stop him.

at our age,

we are who we are ~

& i have willfully

made my decision.

someday it may

come back to haunt me,

but until then

his words fill my heart

the way the truth never has.

so i will listen.

& i will soak it up

for the sunshine & rain

that it is.

while strangely enough,

it's helping me Grow!

pegw.

2020

Home

 

more or less . . .

oh, deer

there's a beautiful doe that falters through my backyard every so often, & i say 'falters' because she has something wrong with one of her hind legs.

& she makes me want to cry because anything so beautiful has that effect on me anyway, but her halted gait & the youth she seems to possess means that she'll be living her whole life this way, & that just makes me sad.

such beauty; such sorrow.

but i'm thankful at least she has safe passage through my backyard; away from the busy road that screams by my front door & heads out to the highway.  

she meanders through the wooded lots on either side of me, cutting through the broken fence that leads to (hopefully) safer neighborhoods with slower, more narrow roads.

i love when i see her.  my back door is made of glass panes, & sometimes i'll be busy in the kitchen & just look up, & there she'll be.  standing maybe 30 feet from the house ~ eyes bright, ears alert ~ since she's been watching me for seconds?  or maybe a minute?

we stare each other down, but with curiosity more than anything; she knows i've seen her as i've stopped all movement & am staring straight at her, & we've played this game before.

as always, i wish my phone were handy so i could snap a pic, but it never is ~ & even if it were sitting on the counter beside me, just reaching for it would scare her away.

so we stare, each of us motionless & barely daring to breathe, until she's ready to move on, otherwise i would probably stand there all day admiring her delicate features.

she stops at the edge of my yard nibbling some tasty greenery, before making her way through the broken fence to see what the next yard has to offer.

until today, i've never thought of giving her a name (as i tend to do with animals that frequent my yard), but i think, for my purposes only, i will call her Grace.  obvious & kind of tacky i know, due to her bad leg, but it takes a special kind of elegance to make your way through the world, slightly broken yet unassisted, in the way that she does.

love you, Grace.  

be well, & be safe. 

6.19.20

pegw.

2020

squeaky clean

last night

when i came to you                                         

all freshly showered 

~ squeaky clean ~

you opened the door

& let me in

one hand motioning

me to silence;

the other, holding

your cordless phone.

i silently took

my place on the bed

to wait for the

'important call'

to end.

it was as i lay there

in my favored spot

that my stomach dropped

to the pit of my heart

& the long silences

met by your husky replies

began to give it

all away.

it was Another Woman

at the end of the line.

another woman

i'd been silenced for.

so . . . what?

you could pretend to her

that i do not

exist?

just like i didn't exist

to the one you almost married ~

just like i have no feelings

no worth

& no pride . . . 

pegw.
2005

spin cycle

unpredictable

helpful hints

game over

hero

it's complicated

Angels Among Us

hands

almost as much . . .

False Start

. . . from a dream

for david