raw

ah - ya mean so well
butcha jes don' understan.

you use your mind 
to help you battle your sickness, 
but my mind
it IS my sickness ~
. . . . . & yes, 
my spirit is weak.

your 
well intentioned words 
shred
my web-like fragile healing
trying to set itself
in place.

i am raw, i tell you.

this life has brought me to a place
beyond sensitive
where to live is to bleed ~
regardless of the day.

sunshine i used to 
love & crave so
sears my heart;
comfort comes to me these days 
in waves 
of rain 
& darkness.

i know that you
have felt despair.

we are too much alike,
& i know you too 
have been Broken.

still,
you must first allow me my brokenness
that i may begin 
to heal . . .

bomb squad

another day with miniature grenades going off in my chest; little fireworks in my head. overall, things have gotten better upstairs, but the war's not completely over.  i've just been winning more often.

once again i'm reminded how difficult functioning is w/this shit.  typing, spelling, choosing the right words, making even simple decisions, remembering how to do easy stuff.  it's like scrambled eggs in a blender up there; the harder you try to bypass the vortex the stronger it seems to get. sometimes it even makes me nauseous.

very thankful i've got a reserve of klonopin tucked away, & i'm not afraid to use it.  i only take a minimal amount when i've tried to do the day without it, but the roller coaster just. wont. stop. 

the point i keep intending to make, however, is how easily i forget the difficulties when i'm feeling better.  the longer i feel 'normal', the less able i can relate to people around me still suffering.  so if i'm to be any kind of blessing to those folks, i guess it's only fitting that i should lose my balance every so often.  keeps me honest, as the saying goes.  & even though i don't like the experience, i can still be grateful for it.  there are too many of us out there in need of a kind word, & if i get to be someone who gives it, then it enriches my life as well.

Thanx, Dickhead.

yep - thanx, dickhead.  for unsettling Group today w/your self-perceived 'impeccable' words.  for causing many of us to scramble out the door to safety, fleeing your disrespect & insensitivity.  you definitely pissed me off, coming against the one who does her best to help us sort things out.  sure, she's not perfect, but NONE of us are, including YOU, you self-centered psycho.  (i know name calling isn't helpful, but it still feels good to get it out. which is why i'm not very good in an argument.)   ; )

unforgiving & uncompromising, you exhibit a pathological need for order & reason - which is highly unfortunate for you, because that's just. not. how. life. IS. 

* * * 

but my tears . . . were another thing entirely.  i used to cry at the drop of a hat; now i barely ever cry at all.  so it puzzled me - 'why now?'  &  'why this?'. & as i  headed home, i searched myself for answers.

the first, most obvious thing, was that your outburst was creepily reminiscent of losing battles i'd been in before.  wars where reason has no place or value; fragmenting your opponent is the ultimate goal.  it unnerved me more than i realized, once i got to thinking about it.

so yeah - thanx for that too . . . imbecile.

but what really got me was the damage you inflicted on my fragile, innocent 'friends', many trying to recover from people much like you.  the tears in their eyes were what caused the tears in mine; the fact that you hurt them, hurt me.

congratulations, muttonchop.  you pretty much cleared the room of over a dozen wounded people, just so you could have your say.

feel better now?

likely this will band us together, stronger than ever - while you, wrapped in your painstakingly chosen impeccable words - can enjoy the delicious reality of your paranoia, for indeed, we will be talking about you.