bleeding heart

 

raison d’être

small

 

johnson

Aging

silence.

 

high velocity

 

for Mel

 

Gloom

on earth

Safe

 

Stalker

 

well played

27/65

already the heat is getting too much.

my instincts tell me i must be careful this year,

in a way i’ve never been careful before.

finally got the front gutter done –

started shortly after 8 am

& was wiped out an hour later

lying on the kitchen floor

– recovering.

it was scary.

 

i’m not the girl i used to be.

 

everything about me is tired.

 

but bills still need to be paid –

& chores still need to be done.

 

sadly,

i never saw this coming.

 

my brain still thinks i’m 27 ~

but 27-year-olds rarely have heart attacks.

                                                                                        mela'23

 

note: (gutter cleaning did not cause heart attack.

crap diet & no exercise did that 2 years ago –

aug. 2021, @ age 63)

lost.

 

i'm doing okay . . .

 5.13.23 

it’s been a long haul, but i feel things might finally be starting to improve. 

i’ve felt so dark of late i haven’t even been able to write about it, which only adds to the darkness.  the anger & hatred in me has dominated my feelings for months, with pissiness raising its head at less than a moment’s notice; makes it really hard to like oneself, living like that.

but lately, i’ve actually been able to experience a minute or two of unexpected peace or joy.  fleeting as they may be, i’m provided a ray of sunshine amongst the clouds.  i want to feel better – honest i do – but you wouldn’t know it from my attitude or behaviour.  sour, grouchy, uncaring – it’s so unlike my usual nature, but nothing seems to soothe me, so i sleep as much as i possibly can.  eating & sleeping ~ those are the only things that bring me pleasure ~ with the odd tv show thrown in the mix.

my patience is very thin, & my disdain for the human race continues to increase.  i despise people in general, with maybe a double handful of exceptions. i feel as if things will never change – unless of course they get worse.

 5.18.23 

but time has proven again & again & again that eventually i WILL feel better.  sometimes it takes a day or two, sometimes longer - & sometimes it lasts so long i really lose hope.  & that’s a dangerous place for anyone – even me.  i have sworn that i will never give in to suicidal thoughts for two quite different reasons; 1) i would never do that to my kids, & 2) there’s no guarantee things are any better on the other side.  so i’m here for the duration, & at present am just trying to accept the way i am & work within my limitations.  & for the moment, 

i’m doing okay.

mela '23

 

 

xx(

 

grateful

 

Choices

 

magic