Snowflake

Love.

 

cbt

i wanna love like i've never been hurt

but the fact is

i'm too sensitive for that.

raw with emotion

which springs to the surface

when i least want

or expect it.

i'm not a baby anymore

but sometimes i feel i act like one

never having learned the proper way to defend myself

when feeling under attack.

i've spent whole days hurting

which had nothing to do with love.

a discrepancy in the brain

a malfunction, creating negativity

which could often go on for days

or maybe even 

weeks.

i'm a whole lot better now

after trials of medications

& a good deal of

cognitive behavioural therapy.

but that doesn't mean

i don't remember.

triggering still happens,

& that frightened child

angry teenager

or ill-prepared adult

rises up

in an effort to defend herself.

loving like i've never been hurt?

wow.

wouldn't that be a dream come true . . . 

so much 

easier for you

to stay in love with me ~

& so much happier for me

to stay in love with you. 

pegw.

2020

NO

lately, it feels like
you're circling your prey
(me)
waiting for results of my covid test
so you can begin to plead
again
to be rescued.

i've already told you
No.

but i also know
i've taught you my 'No' can mean 'Yes'
when pressured
cajoled
or pestered enough.

My Bad.
i have a weakness you've learned
to capitalize on.
well,
shame on You then
mr. buzzard ~
waiting in the wings
for your next available chance
to pounce.

from this point on,
the answer will still
ALWAYS 

& FOREVER
be
NO.

pegw.

2020

good like this

& . . . 

i don't want him anymore.

for months

he was all i could think about ~

we 'fell in love'

over the internet

pictures were sent

sexting was tried

& now

my memory is reminding me

of the flags i chose

to overlook.

'do you want to give me your phone #?'

(days 1 & 2)

'nah, i'm good like this'

 . . . but of course

eventually,

i gave in.

about the same

with agreeing to meet;

(but thankfully,

we never have.)

in less than 4 1/2 months

he managed to wheedle me out of $4,000. ~

but i take full responsibility for that.

i knew by then he was playing me,

yet i continued to stay in the game.

that's MY fault.

MY bad.

MY illness

at work in me.

& now,

he's still trying

to get even MORE money 

to help bring him HERE

to stay

WITH ME . . .

anticipating, i'm sure

i'll give in like before.

but y'know what?

'nah - i'm good like this.'

once you open up your home

you can never get them gone

& you might even

mistakenly

MARRY ONE.

pegw.

2020

self-war