respect

sometimes i have to write things

just to sort them out in my head.

make me stronger.

more firm in my resolve.

so;

as we come to the end of this chapter,

i ask that you step up your respect.

view my needs as being important as your own ~

or, as love sometimes does,

even more so.

i'm not asking for much

compared to what i give,

but lately i've been giving too damn much

while past experience has made it evident

that kind of behaviour will destroy me.

i'm already beginning

to feel the effects,

& i'm just not willing

to go back again.

truly,

i have no support system.

last time,

the MH program fucked me up even worse;

now family has told me

it's best i talk to someone else.

that hurt ~

but upon reflection i realized

they're actually right.

if i value & respect them,

unless it's an unexpected crisis

THAT I DID NOT CREATE

i need to enjoy their love & companionship 

& keep this other shit

to myself.

thank God & medication

i'm stronger than i used to be.

i just might be able to pull this off

if i stick to my guns

plant my feet squarely on the ground

& not forget

to respect

ME.

 

pegw.

2020

fertilizer

& if he's lying?

i've decided i don't care enough

to try & stop him.

at our age,

we are who we are ~

& i have willfully

made my decision.

someday it may

come back to haunt me,

but until then

his words fill my heart

the way the truth never has.

so i will listen.

& i will soak it up

for the sunshine & rain

that it is.

while strangely enough,

it's helping me Grow!

pegw.

2020

Home

 

more or less . . .

oh, deer

there's a beautiful doe that falters through my backyard every so often, & i say 'falters' because she has something wrong with one of her hind legs.

& she makes me want to cry because anything so beautiful has that effect on me anyway, but her halted gait & the youth she seems to possess means that she'll be living her whole life this way, & that just makes me sad.

such beauty; such sorrow.

but i'm thankful at least she has safe passage through my backyard; away from the busy road that screams by my front door & heads out to the highway.  

she meanders through the wooded lots on either side of me, cutting through the broken fence that leads to (hopefully) safer neighborhoods with slower, more narrow roads.

i love when i see her.  my back door is made of glass panes, & sometimes i'll be busy in the kitchen & just look up, & there she'll be.  standing maybe 30 feet from the house ~ eyes bright, ears alert ~ since she's been watching me for seconds?  or maybe a minute?

we stare each other down, but with curiosity more than anything; she knows i've seen her as i've stopped all movement & am staring straight at her, & we've played this game before.

as always, i wish my phone were handy so i could snap a pic, but it never is ~ & even if it were sitting on the counter beside me, just reaching for it would scare her away.

so we stare, each of us motionless & barely daring to breathe, until she's ready to move on, otherwise i would probably stand there all day admiring her delicate features.

she stops at the edge of my yard nibbling some tasty greenery, before making her way through the broken fence to see what the next yard has to offer.

until today, i've never thought of giving her a name (as i tend to do with animals that frequent my yard), but i think, for my purposes only, i will call her Grace.  obvious & kind of tacky i know, due to her bad leg, but it takes a special kind of elegance to make your way through the world, slightly broken yet unassisted, in the way that she does.

love you, Grace.  

be well, & be safe. 

6.19.20

pegw.

2020