lost.

 

i'm doing okay . . .

 5.13.23 

it’s been a long haul, but i feel things might finally be starting to improve. 

i’ve felt so dark of late i haven’t even been able to write about it, which only adds to the darkness.  the anger & hatred in me has dominated my feelings for months, with pissiness raising its head at less than a moment’s notice; makes it really hard to like oneself, living like that.

but lately, i’ve actually been able to experience a minute or two of unexpected peace or joy.  fleeting as they may be, i’m provided a ray of sunshine amongst the clouds.  i want to feel better – honest i do – but you wouldn’t know it from my attitude or behaviour.  sour, grouchy, uncaring – it’s so unlike my usual nature, but nothing seems to soothe me, so i sleep as much as i possibly can.  eating & sleeping ~ those are the only things that bring me pleasure ~ with the odd tv show thrown in the mix.

my patience is very thin, & my disdain for the human race continues to increase.  i despise people in general, with maybe a double handful of exceptions. i feel as if things will never change – unless of course they get worse.

 5.18.23 

but time has proven again & again & again that eventually i WILL feel better.  sometimes it takes a day or two, sometimes longer - & sometimes it lasts so long i really lose hope.  & that’s a dangerous place for anyone – even me.  i have sworn that i will never give in to suicidal thoughts for two quite different reasons; 1) i would never do that to my kids, & 2) there’s no guarantee things are any better on the other side.  so i’m here for the duration, & at present am just trying to accept the way i am & work within my limitations.  & for the moment, 

i’m doing okay.

mela '23